I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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Me as a therapist: omg same
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Home is where your toilet is.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.