Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup