I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
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I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
This could’ve been an email.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late