Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
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I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
why no one uses midhusbands
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
😂🤣😂🤣
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.