“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”