“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
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Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.