Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Um … Hot Wings please
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*