*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
haha same
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Snapes on a plane.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”