Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.