My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
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Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.