After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like 鈥渢his is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
heyyyy gurl, let鈥檚 put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we鈥檙e getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If you think going for a drive isn鈥檛 cardio, you haven鈥檛 been in my passenger seat.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Ooops wrong house馃槀馃槣
If you鈥檙e stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I don鈥檛 understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA鈥檚 Security guard insisting otherwise.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me