A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I have questions??
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Somebody’s lying.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.