My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
You Might Also Like
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue