ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair