The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn