My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
And then there were 4
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human