I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
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“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
You learn something every day
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
That’s not how days work.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I want to meet the individual who made this
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.