Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
You Might Also Like
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Breaking news:
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Breaking news:
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.