Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The devil.
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.