I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
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Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.