Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
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Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.