As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
lol
plant them where lol
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!