When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
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Everyone in the gym on January 1st
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]