babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
You Might Also Like
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
How all things should be taught/explained.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?