Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it