When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
live long and prosper!
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
This is my emotional support knife.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.