if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.