Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.