Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.