COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.