If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Sticker placement is key.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*