[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
From my Mom
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel