{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
okay run it by me one more time
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle