In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”