Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
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CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
the clam before the storm
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*