Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
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Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.