4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
You Might Also Like
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
*frowns in Scottish*
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
this is the greatest thing ever
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next