I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke