If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)