My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.