This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
when there are deer in the woods
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I just ran a .003048K
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Mission: Impossible
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
The French word for sex is croissant.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.