broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
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Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop