Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!