I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
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Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.