Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
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Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?