Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
You Might Also Like
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it鈥檚 just bread
Doc Brown: it鈥檚 only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Since I鈥檓 not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
girl on bumble: hey 馃檪 ur cute but I noticed you didn鈥檛 include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don鈥檛 see why this is important
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka鈥檚 factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 馃崵
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 馃幎am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 馃幎am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 馃幎am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Officer i swear I鈥檝e only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it鈥檚 been growing ever since. I can鈥檛 open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I鈥檓 so sorry Bert
Them: What鈥檚 wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*