Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
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Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
technically true but not a great slogan
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*