When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks