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When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
@funTweeters
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Basketball
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.