her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar